Transcripts from a Car


[Warning: Bad Language]

*static, incoherent muttering and then a deep, husky voice*

1st Voice: ‘Ya lose, again.’

2nd Voice: ‘What do you mean?’

1st Voice: ‘Do ya really wanna know?’


2nd Voice: ‘You’re going to tell me anyway, aren’t you?’

1st Voice: ‘You totally fuckin’ missed that old granny back there’.

2nd Voice: ‘Which old granny?’

*sounds of movement*

1st Voice: ‘Blue hair. Large fuckin’ sunnies. Dressed like a hessian sack.’

2nd Voice: ‘Ah, yep, okay, I see her.’

*pause in conversation here, half a minute*

2nd Voice: ‘Call me old fashioned, Sarge, but isn’t it against the law to hit-and-run old ladies? I mean, I remember an oath saying we had to protect—nothing specific about oldies, mind, but still …’

*brief pause*

1st Voice: ‘Right, right, point taken … well-spotted, Constable.’

2nd Voice: ‘…’

1st Voice: ‘Yeah, but still … you didn’t even go ‘er, did ya? No swervin’, no nuthin.’

2nd Voice: ‘We’re the Police. We don’t swerve at people.’

1st Voice: ‘Pussy.’

2nd Voice: ‘Cock.’

1st Voice: ‘Shit-eater.’

2nd Voice: ‘Misanthrope.’

1st Voice: ‘Did I not just five fuckin’ minutes ago tell you to cut out the nerd-speak? I mean, fuck-me-dead!’

2nd Voice: ‘Sorry, Sarge. I can’t help that I finished high school.’

*tape is unintelligible at this point, just static, and then it cuts back in *

1st Voice: ‘Yeah, but ya *static* still lose.’

2nd Voice: ‘How so?’

1st Voice: ‘You ran a red light back there. You fuckin’ fucked it. Ya lose.’

2nd Voice: ‘Pardon me, Sarge, but I didn’t know the RTA made a learner’s handbook called ‘Driving: How To Win’.

1st Voice: ‘Shut it, Constable. I rose in the ranks of this man’s Police Force because of my excellent driving skills. I know my stuff.’

2nd Voice: ‘You ‘rose’ because you married the boss’s daughter. And, not too far, at that.’

1st Voice: ‘And a bloody fine little missus she is.’

2nd Voice: ‘Yeah, but you married her after you got her preggers.’

1st Voice: ‘Cunt-stable, if you got something to say, fuckin’ spell it out.’

2nd Voice: ‘Well, alright, Sarge. How do you spell ‘shotgun wedding’?’

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