Just flat out pretend you’re crazy. Start with the basics: wear underwear on your head, hug a stranger, get an obscure hobby to obsess over. If that doesn’t work, then move up to the big leagues: stop eating meat, join an extremist animal right’s group and sock it to those carnivorous unbelievers! This is called joining a cult.
Not doing it for you? Try committing a major crime and when the case goes to trial, hit ’em with the ol’ insanity plea. You shouldn’t be held criminally liable for your actions while visiting Lalaland! (In New Zealand and Australia this is known as the mental disorder defence.) The newspapers won’t care whether you actually are crazy, but the resulting media hooplah will induce mental shutdown. If that still hasn’t worked, you’ve got one more card up your sleeve: A Get Out Of Jail Free card. If your convicted, it’s likely you’ll be shoved into an institution a la One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Frontal lobotomies for all!
Drugs will get you to Crazytown faster than a vindaloo curry jiving through your lower intestine. Too much alcohol, cocaine or LSD can lead to psychosis, a type of mental state involving a loss of contact with reality. If rock music, the ’60s, and Hunter S. Thompson have proven anything, it’s that—despite stimulating the creative impulses—these drugs create whackjobs. So get poppin’, people!
If you haven’t hit the crazy ‘big time’ yet, you might be starting to get a little depressed. That’s right—you are a failure!—and, yes, mother never loved you. Don’t worry: I’m not being cruel, there’s method to my madness. Feeling short of breath? Getting nervous or anxious? Is your mind racing out of your grip on control? Then you, my friend, may have what is commonly known as depression! This is a state or mood of melancholia that can be caused by self-esteem issues or other external factors.
This in itself probably isn’t enough to cause your mind to up and leave town on a train out of Sanity Station. We all get sad sometimes—it’s staying sad that’s the problem! Get a caring friend or a loved one to continually taunt you and keep you at a low. If they’re not willing, or seem disturbed and won’t return your calls, how much did they really love you anyway!? Left unchecked for a while, your depression might degenerate into clinical depression. Combine this with a faulty self-image and you get body dysmorphic disorder. But don’t go overboard—think ‘psychotic’, not ‘bulimic’!
The above suggestions not working?! Or are they just ‘not you’!? Well, what follows is a brief list of alternatives that will surely lead you down The Merry Road to Cuckoo County:
- Over-exposure to the elements!
- Torture in a totalitarian regime!
- Being too intelligent (bad social skills)!
- Not being intelligent enough (no social skills)!
- Being in a loving relationship longer than nine months!
- And—especially for Mother’s day—having kids!!!
I don’t know about you, but I feel damned crazy already.
Disclaimer: This article is tongue-in-cheek: depression and its associated problems are serious issues and are not to be taken lightly. Sometimes, though, you just have to laugh.