Dear Cat, We started off so well, I saw you outside (without a collar or bell), I fed you to shut you up, And keep you from little birds you might get rough (with), Now you're yowling outside - monotone, I was a fool to believe that you'd leave me alone, And I have no boot to throw, But you're black - if it hit you, how would I know? We used to be close friends. I'm not a catmurdererbynature butyoudrovemetothis!
Just flat out pretend you’re crazy. Start with the basics: wear underwear on your head, hug a stranger, get an obscure hobby to obsess over. If that doesn’t work, then move up to the big leagues: stop eating meat, join an extremist animal right’s group and sock it to those carnivorous unbelievers! This is called joining a cult.
Not doing it for you? Try committing a major crime and when the case goes to trial, hit ’em with the ol’ insanity plea. You shouldn’t be held criminally liable for your actions while visiting Lalaland! (In New Zealand and Australia this is known as the mental disorder defence.) The newspapers won’t care whether you actually are crazy, but the resulting media hooplah will induce mental shutdown. If that still hasn’t worked, you’ve got one more card up your sleeve: A Get Out Of Jail Free card. If your convicted, it’s likely you’ll be shoved into an institution a la One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Frontal lobotomies for all! Continue reading
I write this from the cold comfort of a mausoleum bed. The lock is set; the gate is barred. I fear the folly of my choice—the location of midnight tryst—will this time lead to my doom. The quiet figure beside me stares with eyes which are lovingly empty, that calm me and set my shaking hands to rest. My fears abate. If I should die, herein will be my last words, the very key of my existence. Hence, I shall entitle this final missive:
On Ye Loving Of Ye Deceased
I know. How well I know it. The stigma associated with necrophilia is well known, seemingly in all cultures and across most of the Ages of Man. In quick, unfair words, it is ‘frowned upon’. But there are many benefits, nay, many positives that to my mind outweigh any risk associated with in flagrante delicto mortis. Continue reading